TOM DELAY PULLS OUT - MORE ON THAT TOMORROW! BITS AND PIECES It took a while, but we may have finally found out why Dick Fuckin' Cheney doesn't seem to know anything about anything anymore. As astute observers are already aware, the creepy veep frequently contradicts his own government on such issues as how the occupation of Iraq is going, alleged Saddam/al-Qaeda ties and whether or not he continues to profit from his connections to Halliburton. At first glance, it might seem like a safe bet to just go ahead and assume that Cheney lies all the time, and that's probably true. However, now that we know that his only source of information is FOX News, the possibility that he is merely misinformed can no longer be dismissed out of hand. We here at the Daily Dirt would like to suggest that Big Dick might be a more effective world leader if he diversified his information diet by adding other reputable journalistic sources to his daily media mix. He could start with the E! Entertainment Channel and the Weekly World News. It's terribly sad, of course, that weedophobic government storm-troopers have raided and shut down an immaculate, well-run factory specializing in the manufacture of marijuana-based treats and snacks such as Pot Tarts, Buddhafingers and Puff-a-Mint Patties. But the fact that such a place could exist at all -- albeit for a short time -- gives yer old pal Jerky hope for the future of all mankind. One of these days -- maybe in a hundred years, when they get out of jail -- the people behind operations like this will be legitimate Captains of Industry. And it will be a saner, better world because of them. Do you hate babies? Sure, we all do! Now, you know those baby changing tables you find in better gas station and book store restrooms? Well then, check out these novelty stickers. They're even funnier than the anti-evolution disclaimer stickers all the Jesus Freaks are getting their kids to paste into their biology textbooks! I don't see the Leprechan... do YOU see the Leprechaun? I don't care how much good it'll do my prostate, there's no way I'm letting the world's hottest peppers anywhere near my "Little Jerky". Speaking of penises, this crazy bastard is totally challenging the prevailing genital paradigms, maaaan! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 31 On this day in 1918, the very fabric of timespace is rent assunder when, for the first time ever, Daylight Savings Time goes into effect in the United States of America. On this day in 1930, the Motion Pictures Production Code is instituted after a handful of sexless goons suffer nervous breakdowns at the sight of Tarzan and Jane's severely foreshortened loincloths. Thus began a 40-year slump in American cinema that wouldn't snap until... oh, about the time Deep Throat was released. On this day in 1993, actor Brandon Lee, son of martial arts movie legend Bruce Lee, is accidentally killed during the filming of The Crow. Killer box office ensues. April 1 On this day in 527, Byzantine Emperor Justin I names his nephew Justinian I, co-ruler and successor to the throne. And that's where we get April Fool's Day from! On this day in 1924, German rabble-rouser Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in jail for his participation in the Beer Hall Putsch. He only serves nine months of his sentence, during which time he writes Mein Kampf, explaining his personal philosophy of government. Roughly ten years later, in 1933, the newly-elected Nazi Party organizes a boycott of Jewish-owned businesses in Germany, a precursor to a series of laws that would eventually come to be known as the Holocaust. How appropriate is it that American Motors chose April Fool's Day, 1970 to introduce their latest model, the Gremlin? April 2 Happy Malvinas Day to all 348 Daily Dirt readers in the Nazi-infested South American nation of Argentina! It was on this day in 1982, in celebration of Malvinas Day, that Argentina's military invaded the Falkland Islands under orders from military dictator Galtieri. This spun the Brits, who have long claimed ownership of this bunch of rocky sheep farms, into a right vicious tizzy. On this day in 2005, Pope John Paul II passes away after a long illness, thus setting in motion the elaborate sequence of events that would ultimately culminate with "shock jock" Howard Stern leaving terrestrial radio for the freedom of satellite broadcasting.

THEY SAID IT! "The millions of young men who are prisoners throughout our country can pick the fruits and vegetables. I say, let the prisoners pick the fruits." - Frothing lunatic Dana Rohrabacher (R-Fuckwit) -- who played a major role in laying the groundwork for the terrorist attacks of 9/11 -- previews the Number One hot-button issue Republicans plan to use to distract voters from their disastrous policy failures, just in time for the 2006 mid-term elections. *** **** *** "I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?" - He's not gone yet, but you might as well say your goodbyes to international treasure Art Buchwald while he can still appreciate them.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Aztlan! Two Texans were talking about their favorite sexual position. One texan said his favorite sexual position was rodeo. The other Texan said, "Rodeo? I don't believe I've ever heard of the rodeo position. What is it?" The other Texan said, "It's like this son. When my wife and I are making love doggy style, and she's about ready to orgasm, I lean over and whisper in her ear, that this is exactly how her sister likes doing it, and then I try to hold on for the next eight seconds." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Andres for sending in today's second joke. After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane. The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem. Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... The blond had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said. "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about". She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THERE IS NO THERE, THERE care of: ACD CSICop points out the galling duplicity of the rightwing pundits in claiming liberal media bias in the Intelligent Design discussions. The standard O'Reilley/Robertson tirade runs as follows: The New York Times or Media Outlet X cited six evolutionary biologists and professors, but only one Discovery Institute "fellow" and one Dover School Board member. They then spoke as if the scientific establishment as a whole believes in evolution lock stock and barrel when clearly that is not the case, as demonstrated by Professor Wackjob at Iowa State, as well as statements by Darwin himself. They unfairly painted the controversy as one of religion inserting itself into curricula, rather than a genuine dispute over the facts of evolution. They also treated the ID proponents as being somehow less credible or lacking the bona fides of those on the Darwinist side of the argument. In other words, the liberal media is too dismissive of I.D., it treats the proponents as somehow being religious bumpkins rather than scientific scholars, and it clearly lets its own Darwinist prejudices slip in rather than presenting the various arguments in a fair and balanced way. That's the standard party line of the punditry. And yes, they inevitably use the term Darwinist, which is a new one to me, and this is my field of expertise, academically and professionally. Such a label of course paints not only scientists, but everyone else who notices that their children resemble them or that chihuahuas differ from Great Danes, as being every bit as screwy as Socialists or Masochists. To invent a word with an -ist at the end is to subtly invert the connotation of obvious fact into oddball belief. But the most specious component in the claim of liberal bias is that ID gets mentioned at all -- that it's called a "controversy", that the media discusses "both sides of the argument", that the words "free speech", "censorship", and "critical thinking" are brought up, and that proponents of I.D. are interviewed and quoted. If there were a liberal bias in the media, they wouldn't call it a controversy, because there is none. No accredited college in America, nor the entire world, grants a degree in I.D. or Creationism. No college admissions exams anywhere in the world have sections on I.D. or Creationism. With the exception of one dude in Iowa who got a Ph.D. in evolutionary biology, after telling everyone at age 17 that he was going to get an advanced degree in evolutionary biology with the specific intent of granting bona fides to Creationism, there is no serious scientist on the planet who denies evolution. There is no science, nor has there ever been, that collects no data, validates no theories, builds on no scholarly history, makes no positive claims but bases itself purely on a single negation, has no founders or early pioneers, develops no methodology, offers no structured curriculum, relies on no equations nor any quantitative analysis, never questions itself nor refines its theories, and refuses to test its own hypotheses. So, let's say a school board in Georgia decides to teach its students that the moon is made of green cheese. Or a politician in Kansas declares that water is not made of two atoms of hydrogen and one of oxygen, but is actually a fundamental element, just like earth, fire, and air -- Aristotle said so, and he's the smartest dude ever -- who is this Frenchman Lavoisier to claim otherwise??? A secular liberal media would laugh these stories off in a little blurb in their Weird News section, next to stories of a man getting his testicles chopped off in a delicatessen accident and a town in Manitoba where men are required to wear porkpie hats on Tuesdays. Only in a rightwing media infected with Christian hysteria is it possible for Jesus-freaks to be given front page coverage of their crackpot ravings, egged on by the president and pope. A liberal media would not "teach the controversy". It would acknowledge without a second thought that there's no controversy at all, and simply snigger at how there are still some crazy people in the world who think crazy things, and move on to reporting on a really awful war, or something actually more meaningful than Jennifer and Brad. If George W. Bush or Pat Robertson say that a whale is actually a fish, because they are stupid sons of bitches, are there two sides to the "argument"? Do children need to be given an opportunity to decide for themselves, mandated by their school boards, in order for them to develop "critical thinking" skills? If Dan Quayle says that it's spelled P-O-T-A-T-O-E, must we include that alternate spelling in all of our dictionaries? Is it censorship to insist that it's spelled potato? Is it a liberal bias to credit those who spelled it potato with greater spelling credentials than those who spell it fudd? And, most relevantly, did the New York Times, back before it was owned by the world's largest death merchant, run a lengthy series of front-page articles, publish a spate of op-ed pieces for and against, and interview dozens of people who believed that the correct spelling was potatoe? Because, golly, if the New York Times did that, I'd have to suspect that it had a conservative bias. - ACD [HEATHEN!!! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! ACHTUNG! On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 AM in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again. You may now return to your (normal?) life. N8Possibilities [What about those of us who don't have lives? - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJerky, Is this a suppressed invention or a fake? YOP, Kenny "B" [It's both. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Jerky: The coffee bean man is in profile, and he's wearing a headband. It took me twenty seconds to get it, but I do this kind of shit for a living. For all of your readers who don't get it, here's a word of advice: look up at the sky once in a while, and let your mind play with the clouds. You'd be amazed. Meanass Bitch [Profile? Headband? I think that's your reflection in the monitor screen. - Jerky] *** **** *** G'day Jerkster, It seems that we do things differently here in Oz. Two weeks ago a Force #5 hurricane ("Larry") demolished several towns on the North Queensland coast. Yeah, they weren't cities on the scale of New Orleans and nobody died thanks to good communications, but right away the day it happened state and federal governments and Australians everywhere gave funds, help and materials to repair the damage and get life moving again. A retired 'can-do' army general took charge, tradesmen from all over volunteered their time and were flown free by Qantas, and electricity has been restored to 95% of the area already. I have little time or respect for prime minister Howard but to give him his due he didn't procrastinate like his god Dubya, and the state premier, one Peter Beettie in a role like your state governors was on the ball from the start. The worst result was the destruction of 90% of the national banana harvest! Oljoe (P.S. - Ever wondered what 'Qantas' means? Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Service) [Congratulations on being so fucking awesome. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, I forgot to mention in my bit about the above: Those altruistic compassionate people, the Church of Scientology set up a 'counselling' service in the midst of the affected area and have been offering their 'services' and proselytising to those in need at their most vulnerable time. No stopping the work of the lord, (or Elron H.) eh? Oj [Of course not! Those thetans aren't going to exorcise themselves. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Tremendous work of late in cranking out 6 Dirts per week, pretty much like clockwork. I can appreciate as well as anyone how truly difficult it is to produce thoughtful pieces every freakin' day. Even with a nod toward varying quality, which is an inescapable component of regular wordsmithing, and to cut-and-paste pot-pourris with precious little thematic consistency -- it's still damnably difficult. You ramp-up from about 4 to 6 is impressive, plain and simple. Well done, mate. ACD [WTF do you mean, "nod toward varying quality"?! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ -- Hope you noticed how, once again, The Dirt was ahead of the "heard" with its enlightening discussion of the Italian expletive "Vafanculo." While the rest of the blogosphere was wrestling with that bit of slang in the wake of Tony "The Capon" Scalia's latest outburst, loyal "Dirt" readers had no trouble understanding whereof he spoke. JYT [That's what we're here for! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com