BARBARA BUSH AND THE GREAT BEAST 666 PLAYING CATCH-UP In recent days, while we've been immersing ourselves in such bloggy minutia as Howard Kaloogian's lies and Casey Sheehan's unmarked grave, an awful lot of stories just zipped right past us. Some of them were serious, and well worth revisiting, even if only in the most cursory of ways, just to show that we care. The rest of them, while not so serious, also bear checking out, because if we didn't, then you'd have nothing to discuss with your idiot coworkers while you're all out back smoking cigarettes. After all, it isn't just anybody who can stand still for an extended polemic discourse on the flagrant undermining of sixth amendment principles by the current regime, but who can resist a story about the death of a beloved 250 year old tortoise? *** **** *** First, we turn our attention to Preznit Dubya's grandmother, the megalomaniacal (and allegedly cannibalistic) Barbara Bush, current reigning matriarch of the Bush Crime Family. Leaving aside for the moment the curious questions recently raised about her true genealogical origins, there remains the touchy subject of her incomprehensibly cavalier attitudes toward the people whose lives and property were devastated by Hurricane Katrina, among other victims of her family's nefarious incompetence. Perhaps the public exposure of these comments were at the back of Babs' "beautiful mind" when she recently donated an undisclosed sum to the Bush/Clinton Katrina Fund. Perhaps she secretly hoped this act of generosity might help grind away some of the sharper edges from her increasingly monstrous public persona. If so, she probably never intended for us to find out that her donation was earmarked in such a way as to ensure that it would only be spent on Ignite!, an "educational software" developed by her whore-mongering graft-sponge of a grandson, Neil. Of course, as much as is humanly possible, the Bushes tend to keep things all in the family. It's just their way, by necessity. If they didn't, they'd have been hunted down by angry mobs of pitchfork-wielding villagers long ago. At this point, yer old pal Jerky wouldn't be surprised to learn that Marvin Bush's former live-in maid, Bertha Champagne, wasn't run over by a driverless car as the official story goes, but was instead pounded into a bloody pulp by Grandma Babs over her failure to observe an obscure and/or humiliating dishwashing protocol or some such thing. *** **** *** As previously mentioned, an awful lot has happened in the last couple weeks, and an awful lot of it has been… well, awful. In Iraq -- or, as Republicans call it, the Good News Capital of the World -- the situation has gone from appalling to Apocalyptic. The way things are going now, a full-blown, tripartite civil war may indeed turn out to be a good thing, as various FOX News pundits have opined, because it will at least shrink the number of potential murder victims. In a belated attempt to fix that which we now know he was hell-bent on wrecking from the get-go, Preznit Dubya has hinted that he'd like to see yet another regime change in Iraq. To this, the recently-elected new bosses in Occupied Mesopotamia have responded with an unambiguous upturned middle finger, doubtless stained with the deep purple ink of democracy. Better think twice before messing with Texas, fellas… y'all might get invaded if you don't play ball! Meanwhile, back on the home front, dunce-whisperer Andrew Card has fled the sinking Ship of State, and disgraced Republican super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been sentenced to six years in the grey bar hotel, even as the ongoing probe into his shady dealings has widened to encompass the mob-style slaying of a rival casino-boat operator. In the next Dirt, we'll go over more of the stories we missed in recent weeks, including some of the funny stuff I promised at the beginning of this Dirt, which I failed to deliver in this edition. Sorry about that. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 30 On this day in 1981, President Ronald Reagan is seriously wounded when John Hinckley Jr. -- son of a close family friend and donor to, and petrobiz political supporter of, then-vice president George Herbert Walker Bush -- opens fire on him, in the alleged hopes that his sure-to-be-publicized exploits will help him win over the object of his obsession, box-munching thespian Jodie Foster. Jewish scholar Moses Maimonides was born on this day in 1135. He was one of the foremost thinkers of the Middle Ages. Most famous for his tome, Guide to the Perplexed, in which he attempted to reconcile religious belief and Aristotelian scholasticism. Ah, who am I trying to kid. He's really most famous for being name-dropped in the Simpsons episode where Krusty reunites with his estranged father, the Rabbi Krustofski. On this day in 2006 -- TODAY, technically -- for the first time ever, a Brazilian is launched into space, prompting Preznit Dubya to marvel: "Wow! A whole brazilion?! That sure am a whole lotta astro-ma-nauts!"

THEY SAID IT! "To me, it is now a question of sovereignty. I will personally establish a Planned Parenthood clinic on my own land which is within the boundaries of the Pine Ridge Reservation where the State of South Dakota has absolutely no jurisdiction." - Bravo to the winner of this week's Wings of Freedom award, from Buzzflash.com, Cecilia Fire Thunder, Chief of the Oglala Sioux in South Dakota, who will defy the state ban on abortion. *** **** *** "Well, you know, that's the problem in America. We're always having elections." - Senator John Cornyn (R-Obviously) lets loose with one hell of a slip.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name." "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. So what's your name?" she asked. "Beertits," he said. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Andres Raid for sending in today's second joke. Two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Chuck Norris... Q: Why don't italians have freckles? A: Because they keep sliding off.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE MILLION GUN MARCH care of: Elijah Parish Lovejoy Hi folks, I, like many of us, have been burning for the last six years because of the incompetence and moral bankruptcy of our current nation government. I also wished for a rekindling of the feeling of personal power over my own destiny that my participation in the Million Man March brought to me. I do not need to go all poetic on you because you already know the emotional truth of these statements. Unlike so many mainstream news corporations, I am reporting not persuading. A ridiculous idea flashed into my head last week. And like all ridiculous ideas, it quickly became part of my favorite fantasies, bumping off Halle Berry in the process. The Idea was simple and outrageous. What if we recreated the million man march but this iteration we asked that all the brothers that attend bring their personal guns with them? This march will not be held on some breezy summer day but will be scheduled for the same day as the State of the Union address as to insure the presence of the government responsible for the current state of America. Let me be very clear on one thing. I am not advocating the armed overthrow of the government. I am merely using this to remind the arrogant powers that be as to what happens when the people are denied their rights and the constitution is subverted by executive fiat. The truth is that everyone in the world will be watching. Now here is the newest wrinkle to my little fantasy. Every man jack of our military forces will probably be brought home to protect the government against the perceived threat one million of us armed represent to them. We will be responsible for the end of the war, the rebuilding of New Orleans and the rebuilding of accuracy in national elections. Plus we can bring good food and meet the millions of our family from across the nation. I know it is going to take some thought before you print this and bring it up for discussion. It has taken me some time to put it on paper as well. I have scrutinized all of the downsides I can come up with and the idea still stands. If you come up with a downside I haven’t thought of I will be both surprised and humbled. But it would not be the first time that happened. Elijah Parish Lovejoy Victory [At first, I was kind of spooked by your idea. But now, I'm cottoning to it! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey - I've been a little behind on the Dirt over the last week or so, but I just went today and started reading your 'Six Degrees' thing. Having just recently started Webster Tarpley's Unauthorized Biography of George H.W. Bush (which is why I'm behind on the Dirt) I have just recently read through the web of ties between the Bush clan and recent history's greatest monsters. We are on the same wavelength again, it seems... Jack [I hope you didn't pay for Tarpley's book, because it's been available online, for free, for a couple years now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I can not understand why the Border Patrol can not do a better job of securing our border with Mexico. Most of it is semi-desert land and hard to hide in. In addition to their own eyes, the Patrol has motion sensors, dogs, horses, helicopters, airplanes, automobiles, and satellites with ground penetrating radar to locate tunnels. I'm sure they also have volunteers to help them. IMHO, the Border Patrol is terribly inefficient at their job. K.B. [Why do you even care? The "reconquista" of the American Southwest is now a forgone conclusion. And anyway, Mexicans are mostly nice, hardworking people who make really tasty food. It might be a change for the better! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky... Where the hell are Katie Holmes' parents and siblings? Would you allow your daughter to get involved with this nut case Tom Cruise??? Cheers, Andy [Would I? Probably. I'd love to chat with Tom about Kubrick. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, With the prosecution of the Enron trial now having rested their case and the defense ready to start the shit-fog of a storm rolling in front of the jury's eyes, I think it would be kind of fun to go back and reread something from back in January of 2002. Just taking a "trip" down memory lane. Ahhhhh... the memories! YOP, Bob [The shit just keeps getting thicker. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ... Sorry, man. I couldn't help sending this to you. I lasted maybe 5... - Sofaking [Still counting. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, After reading some of the TRASH being said about Cindy Sheehan's son's headstone, I will share with you what I say when I encounter some idiot such as that: I say "I am from the South and we have a word for people like you. That word is TRASH. And I don't soil my hands on trash." So far, I haven't gotten slugged. Why would anyone want to serve when they and their families would be treated like that? Concerning Hendrix vs. SRV, I have another saying: "if you don't like Hank Williams, you can kiss my ass". C the D [I love all three, so we got no problem. - Jerky] *** **** *** You said: "It would be possible for YOU to spark a global rain of fire and brimstone -- as Preznit Dubya has -- wouldn't you at the very least be tempted to do your perceived duty?" And of course he HAS found a way to start the rain and not get the blame ... if you'll excuse my poetry. In fact all of Christendom will be protected from blame because those heathen Hindus (supplied with nuclear technology from the USA and Uranium from Australia) will start the rain, followed by retaliation from those heathen Islamists in Pakistan (supplied with technology by China, just to keep the balance ... and more uranium from Australia via those heathen communist Chinese). It is no small problem for those that like their world to NOT glow in the dark that both the USA's Dubya and Australia's Little Johnny Howard are fundamentalist Christians. And both are nearing the end of their terms of power and ... let's be practical, their expected life spans. Someone else is going to have to clean up the mess these two idiots leave. And they are most reluctant to pass the baton to secular politicians. Now tell me that Christian believers are not Satans slaves in disguise! Stay well, stay dim in the dark. Maurice [I'm always dim. It's just the way I was raised. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com